April is Stress Awareness Month, a period intended to increase awareness of stress and how to manage it or support others who are experiencing it. This is one in a series of blogs we’ve produced for Stress Awareness Month, in which we’ve considered how stress impacts different family members during a separation.
One of the most stressful experiences children can go through is the separation of their parents. It's a time of uncertainty, confusion, and emotional turmoil that can leave a lasting impact, so it’s important to provide the necessary support to help them navigate this difficult time. In this blog, Claire Molyneux provides some ideas about how to support children who may be experiencing stress during their parents’ separation.
Whether you're going through a separation yourself, or know someone who is, these strategies can help make the process a little less stressful for everyone involved.
Find the time and space to process the separation
Although not easy, one thing it is helpful to do is to try and find the time and space to process the separation for yourself, seeking support as necessary. One thing to remember is that parents don’t need to be perfectly attuned to their children’s needs by any stretch.
What children do benefit from is parents who have a reasonable ability to function, as this in turn increases a parent’s capacity to identify children’s needs, respond to them and support them appropriately. Sometimes, seeking support for yourself is felt to be last on the list of priorities when you take into account everyone’s needs, but having someone who is removed from the situation, such as a counsellor, therapist or coach, can help you to hold constructive and calming conversations about things when you’re faced with lots of change and uncertainty.
Consider what an intimate relationship looks like
It can be helpful to really spend some time considering what an intimate relationship looks like and what is more appropriate as separated parents. What does that actually mean, what needs to change and how would you like this to look? It is often the case that we transition from one role or thing in life to another without giving conscious thought to what change has actually occurred. By planning the transition and setting some goals, it can be easier to move towards them and this in turn can be helpful for children.
Be clear and open with the children
Being clear and open with children can also help them, acknowledging that they might feel lots of different emotions during this period. Children pick up on tensions and will cope better if they know what to expect, even if you can’t give them the specifics yet.
There are lots of helpful guides to support parents through separation. The Family Justice Youth People’s Board has produced lots of tops tips guides, including Top Tips for Parents Who Are Separated and the organisation Resolution has produced an excellent and comprehensive guide covering many of the things it is helpful to consider during a separation.
Reassure your children
Children cope best with separation if they are reassured both that the separation is not their fault and that their parents’ love for them hasn’t changed. Sometimes we can take for granted that children will know this - reminding them of it is really helpful.
Keep conflict away from them
Children also do better if they are kept out of their parents’ conflict and can avoid developing a sense of the need to be responsible for a parent or parents. Planning how you will discuss things and doing so with appropriate support can help you as parents ensure your children are given information at the best time and in a way that enables them to process and make sense of it.
At Mills & Reeve, we understand how stressful going through a divorce can be. This is why our divorce lawyers never lose sight of the fact that each situation is different and are committed to supporting you and providing you with all the necessary information you need. We are experienced in working alongside therapists, counsellors and coaches to get you and your family through your divorce or separation with as little damage as possible . Speak to our team today to find out how we can help you.
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