The underpinning theme of this article is that in this difficult period of your lives, the wellbeing of your children must be put first.
It may be reassuring to know that separation in and of itself will not be what affects a child, but rather, the way in which it’s conducted. You have the ability to determine this. You can make a huge difference in your child’s experience by ensuring their needs come first when you agree arrangements with the other parent.
In this article, we suggest a few ways in which you can protect the wellbeing of your child, and your long-term relationship with them.
DO: Listen to your child
It seems obvious – but there’s a real risk that with everything you’re already going through, the temptation will be to focus on routines and day-to-day parenting activities (cooking, packing their school bags, planning their extra-curriculars etc.) and thereby failing to take the time to truly listen.
The implication here is that you must learn to listen without judgment, without any assumptions that your child may be perceiving the separation in the same way that you are – and this can be very difficult to do when your own emotions may be running high. Acknowledge your feelings but set them aside as you prepare to engage with your child. Approach the conversation with an open mind. This will help you understand what’s best for them.
Validate your child’s feelings (even if you do not agree with them!). You can only consistently do what’s best for your child if you keep the dialogue with them open. Validating their feelings, for example by nodding, or repeating what they said to confirm your understanding, and generally by keeping calm and encouraging them to continue to speak, is vital to make them feel safe to continue to share their thoughts and feelings throughout the process.
There are countless tips on how to be a better listener. One worth highlighting here is to not treat every statement from your child as a point to respond to. Listen without preparing an answer in your head, and simply accept what they are saying.
DO: Explain
Whilst you may be inclined to try and shield your child from existing tensions between the parents, they will most likely pick up on the distressed atmosphere and the negative emotions you’re feeling. If left in the dark, children tend to create their own stories and sequence of events – often blaming themselves and reaching incorrect conclusions about what will happen to them and the family. You can help reduce any anxiety they feel by keeping them informed. If they are old enough to understand the situation, involve them in the decision-making.
So, do take the time to explain honestly what is happening to the family in a manner appropriate for their age. Help them make sense of the changes in their lives. Being honest with them will also show that you trust and respect them, which will help them trust you through the process in return.
DO: Offer reassurance
This is just as vital as listening and explaining. Failure to reassure a child may heighten their stress and any feelings of anger, which will often translate into a shift in attitude (for example increased rebelliousness or social withdrawal).
As for listening, step one to offering reassurance is to check in with your own emotions to ensure you remain calm; and remember that you can only reassure your child if you’ve obtained an initial understanding of their views and feelings through proper listening and accepting of their perspective.
There are a few key rules for reassurance to be effective:
- Promises must be kept: don’t provide false assurances, and don’t promise anything outside of your control. Show your child that you deliver on your promises to build their sense of security.
- Explanations must be realistic and easily measured: it doesn’t help a child to be told something will happen “soon” and that things will be “fine”. You don’t need to ban these words from your vocabulary altogether, but they need to be accompanied by clear time indications (eg: “you’ll see your mum on X day”) and information about the situation (eg: “dad will be moving to [place] on [day]”).
- Reassurance must be honest and ongoing: where you cannot control the circumstances to provide the solid, truthful assurance they need, it does help your child to be told honestly that you don’t know, but that you are doing your best to find out. Keep your child updated and share the new information you have with them as you can. Some themes to provide reassurance include:
- Affection: Repeat to your child that you and the other parent love them and are there for them, as many times as you need.
- Time with the other parent: let your child know when they will next spend time with the other parent, what frequency of contact they may expect, duration, and method.
- Decision-making: give your child a say in some of the changes that will take place, depending on their age. Again, promises must be kept – so make sure that if you let them decide some parts of their new routine, you deliver on that after the conversation.
- Changes: let them know what will stay the same, and how you will help them through what will not.
DO: Keep things “normal”
Studies show that even after separation, children continue to see the parent that they don’t live with as an important part of the family. Regular time with both parents is still their sense of “normal”, and having it makes children feel more secure.
If at all possible, keeping children in the same schools and extracurriculars will also be of reassurance. If not, consider preserving routines at home (dinner times, bedtime stories etc.). If you are moving, discuss with your child whether they want their new bedroom set-up in the same way as their old one, or whether they want something new.
Last but not least, it also helps children to know where to get extra support when they need it – this can be other close adults in the family, a close family friend or a professional. For additional resources, we have linked some helpful articles below.
DON’T: Argue in front of your child
This is a key contributor to distress a child may feel as their parents separate. Avoid arguments where your child may witness it. Work on ways to communicate effectively and calmly.
DON’T: Make your child choose
It’s important to listen to your child, but not to pressure them into giving their views. The child will perceive this as having to choose between their parents. Avoid putting your child in the middle. Agree child arrangements that put the child first.
DON’T: Speak poorly about the other parent
This effectively puts the child in the middle. Don’t speak negatively about the other parent in front of your child. Set a good example for your child by modelling respectful communication and behaviour.
There are many resources available online to offer support through this period in your lives. We would direct you in particular to:
- Cafcass (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service):
- Voices in the middle (a collaboration to support young people in the middle of divorce / separation):
Going through separation can be hard to navigate, and putting your children’s wellbeing first is of utmost importance. Our family lawyers are experienced mediators and we are also able to offer child inclusive mediation. Child inclusive mediation is an effective way to involve children in the decision-making process, ensuring their voices are heard. It provides a safe, supportive and child-focused environment for them to speak with a neutral person.
A key feature of child inclusive mediation is that the mediator only feeds back to the parents what the children agree should be fed back. Those thoughts, wishes and messages from the children can be very powerful and often help parents unlock their dispute and reach a child-centred agreement.
Talk to our team to find out how we can help.
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